Dax Shepard: Okay, I’m writing this vehicle — hmm, vehicle — what do you want to be?
Kristen Bell: I’ve always wanted to work in conflict negotiation, or something with horses.
DS: Perfect! I’m playing a badass driver/action hero with a heart of gold and a great left hook. you can always be arguing with me over violence.
KB: Well, I don’t want to be too stuffy.
DS: No, the twist is that you’ll be the aggressive one, like we’ll have one scene where I say something that offends you and you get really mad at me. And I’ll always be doing what you want.
DS: And I’ll be in the witness protection program, so I can call myself somebody cool.
KB: Nathan Fillion!
DS: No, I want to go old school.
KB: Clint Eastwood!
DS: Ehh, someone more obscure. Like Charles Bronson! Yeah, and my real name is Yul!
KB: But you haven’t had a haircut or shave in…ever?
DS: That can be the joke!
KB: Okay…Oh, can we get Gary Oldman to be somebody? I love him.
DS: Yeah! You ever see True Romance? He can play the pimp guy with the dredlocks from that! And we can both be on the run, too!
KB: Uh, I think he died in the movie. He might be too old to reprise that anyway. Oh! Oh! How about Bradley Cooper? He can play anything!
DS: Sure! And I want Kristin Chenoweth as a sassy, sex-obsessed character. Like she’ll be getting a massage and ask the handler…
KB: It’s called a “masseur,” honey.
DS: Whatever. Anyway, she’ll be getting one and then ask the guy if that’s it, because she’s so horny.
KB: Do you know anything about women?
DS: And Tom Arnold can be the bumbling Marshal who’s assigned to protect me. And David Koechner can be a redneck who hits on you! And somewhere in there we need to have some old people having sex.
KB: Is there something you’re not telling me?
DS: Ooo! And dogs! I want to have someone beat up a black guy for mistreating a dog!
KB: Uh, honey?
DS: AND I’LL HAVE SEX WITH A BLACK CHICK! I WILL BURN OUT IN SLOW MOTION TO “SWEET EMOTION” AND KILL YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND! I AM CTHULU! HEAR MY CALL AND TREMBLE!
KB: Let’s lose the Cthulu and get Beau Bridges.