I feel bad being so late to this movie—granted this is the opening day, but it seems that for the past two weeks, everyone in the world has seen it already. And so, for the past two weeks, everyone’s been raving about it and saying that it’s the greatest superhero movie ever made; it’s the best movie of the summer; it’s better than a big sex sandwich, and so on.

The premise, if it weren’t already evident from the stingers Marvel’s added to the very end of every one of their movies for the past five years, is that a group of superheroes—Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans), The Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner)–need to recover the Tesseract, a glowing blue cube that generates unlimited energy and also, somehow, opens the portal to the realm of Asgard.

No sooner does S.H.I.E.L.D., a shadowy government agency overseen by a committee whose purpose in the film is somewhat tenuous, discover this than the Tesseract’s stolen by Thor’s adoptive brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who also hypnotizes Hawkeye and one of the scientists from Thor, Dr. Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard) into doing his nefarious shenanigans, namely, opening a bigger portal to Asgard and invading earth.

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I’m more interested in coming up with cheap puns that could’ve titled this review were it not for the fact that we have formats to follow regarding the titles, so, no matter how awesome it would be to call it “THORing” or “This Movie Is Asgard,” I can’t. (“Thor: A sNORSE-fest” would be good, too.)

Thor (Chris Hemsworth), for those of you who skipped the Norse mythology part of your childhood or avoided the comic (does anyone know a die-hard Thor fan? I’ve been told they exist, but then people say there’s some dedicated Hulk and Dr. Strange fans, too), is the Norse god of thunder and son to Odin (Anthony Hopkins), king of Asgard, an alien planet or alternate plane of existence (I’m not entirely sure).

A thousand or so years ago the Asgardians fought the frost giants, led by Laufey (Colm Feore), to protect earth and preserve something called the Casket of Ancient Winters. Fast-forward to the present, when those knucklehead frost giants are at it again. This time they invade Asgard to back steal the casket, and Thor disobeys his father when he travels to Jotunheim to rough up Laufey.

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Truth be known, this isn’t the review I wanted to write. Trust me, it would be a lot easier to heap glowing praise on this over-hyped tale of a Norse God who is banished to earth, but the movie just wasn’t my cup of mead.

I’m convinced someone must have messed with my 3D glasses. Based on ecstatic word of mouth, I should have seen a thrilling, well executed, well acted, and good looking film. Instead, I saw a dull, erratically paced film with gaudy set pieces, tacky costumes, and inconsistent writing.

Admittedly, I am no master of the Marvel universe, so take that with a grain of salt. However, I am game, and have enjoyed several of the movies culled from their stable of superheroes in recent years.  Throw director Kenneth Branagh into the mix, and I am not only intrigued, but a little giddy. I guess that might be part of the reason I was so disappointed in the film; I expected better with Branaugh at the helm.

The film tells the story of Thor, a Norse God who wields a mighty wicked hammer as his weapon of choice against the bad guys. Thor resides in the realm of Asgard, and he is a sure shot to take over the throne from his aging father Odin (Anthony Hopkins).

Odin has maintained peace between his kingdom and the Frost Giants, a rival population, for years.  When they threaten to infiltrate Asgard, Thor makes a hasty decision to attack the Frost Giants. This infuriates his father, who banishes Thor to Earth, and strips Thor’s hammer of any real power.

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When I first saw The Punisher: War Zone I pretty much hated it.  Yet another Punisher reboot that simply didn’t work.  However, upon further reflection over subsequent months I realized War Zone wasn’t bad. Actually, it was Ray Stevenson’s performance as Frank Castle that single-handedly saved the film.

Stevenson continued to flesh out his bad ass resume as Titus Pullo in the mini-series Rome. While Titus was a more benign individual at times it didn’t take much to bring out the Punisher-esque tendencies when he reverted to his soldier role.  In fact, Rome had some of the best action sequences ever and Stevenson again was brilliant in this capacity.

So, what happens when you combine The Punisher and Titus Pullo? How about one of  Thor’s Warriors Three: Volstagg? Of course, the most obvious question was how Stevenson would fill out Volstagg’s large, um…physique:

“…a solution is at hand, in the shape of a fat suit. “It’s fantastic,” said a beaming Stevenson. “I’ve tried the suit on, and what they’ve done is kind of sex him up: he’s sort of slimmer but rounder.”

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Okay, let me get this out of the way first, with a name like Skarsgard how could you not be in Marvel‘s upcoming Thor movie? Apparently the answer is, you can’t. To that end, Stellan Skarsgard is joining the cast of Thor.

While Skarsgard could not comment on what role he would be playing he did speak of the hurdles committing to the project, “They wanted me to sign without reading the script. That I refused to do. Then they sent one to me that was so coded that I could only print one copy.” Considering the nature of Marvel properties it’s not surprising they would want to keep things hush hush.

If you don’t recognize Skarsgard’s name you would remember him in such films as Angels & Demons, Mamma Mia!, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. Interestingly enough Skarsgard’s son, Alexander (True Blood), was rumored to be up for the leading role of Thor himself, but that ultimately went to Star Trek’s Chris Hemsworth.

Alongside Skarsgard, Thor stars Tom Hiddleston, Natalie Portman, Jaimie Alexander, Colm Feore and Samuel L. Jackson. Directed by Kenneth Branagh Thor is set to hit theaters May 20, 2011.