It’s the most wonderful time of the year. It’s finally here! After a long and cold winter (well for the East Coast anyways- us West Coasters only had the infrequent earthquake) the glory of Summer movies is upon us. Can’t you tell I’m excited?
In an effort to make your choices clear, I’ve devised a list of movies in May based on their geekiness, hotness, and a few other gauges of greatness. Read on to see which films you should wait in line for and which should wait for you in your Netflix queue.
Pure, unadulterated, awesomeness. I will be going, as in I bought my 12:01 Arclight ticket weeks ago. I expect Iron Man himself to introduce my movie-going experience. If I’m lucky John Favreau and a host of Marvelites will be sitting behind me watching my every emotion with bated breath.
Geekiness Factor: There are cool gadgets only a brilliant mind like Stark or Favreau could devise. There’s a shot in the trailer of Iron Man and War Machine unleashing holy Hell to all comers. It’s also based on a comic book (whowouldathunkit) which ups the geekiness factor dramatically.
Screen Steamer: Robert Downey Jr., or for those thinking they’re cool by calling him RDJ, is in it. He is 5 feet 10 inches of hotness in a scruffy, arrogant, decisive package. And oh yeah, Scarlett Johansson is also wearing tight black leather.
As I have yet to hear more than 2 words from her in the trailer, I will guess the bigwigs believe her bottle of red hair dye #10 is all the hotness needed to make fanboys line up. I, on the other hand, have seen her films and expect her to talk. She has a great personality beyond that pout… really, she does I swear.
Great Expectations: Just a little (note sarcasm). “I am Iron Man.” Tony Stark better bring it in this one. But, does that mean more villains, more suits, more plots, more romance, and more action? Yes, apparently that’s what constituents as better to the studios, to the detriment of us. Hopefully Favreau wised up, but from what I’ve heard and seen, that’s not the case.
Worth the Wait?: I will not be waiting at all as my ticket to the Arclight can attest, but I will enjoy a few minutes of geeking out right before the trailers play.
I’d say it’s definitely worth the wait. If you can’t see it in the Cinerama Dome then I recommend IMAX for a full fight experience and a rockin’ good time.
In the words of the Arclight press material, “Hoping to earn the hand of Maid Marion and salvage the village, Robin assembles a gang whose lethal mercenary skills are matched only by its appetite for life.” That’s the most incongruous summary I’ve ever heard.
Since when do you need a pile of bodies to impress a lady? I will take a dozen roses any day. And how do these blood-thirsty killers have an equal appetite for life? Are they killing everyone so that they will be the only ones left standing and no one will laugh at their green tights? So many questions, so little time.
Geekiness Factor: For those of you going to the Renaissance Pleasure Faire this year, this movie is the epitome of geekiness. For those of you who like a little tech, this film does not have it. It does have battles, grunts, and swords. But if you were a fair maiden in the medieval ages and saw the dreamy Robin Hood from a distance, you would seriously geek out….don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
Screen Steamer: Russell Crowe is a steaming pot of unshaven, in need of a bath, hunkiness. You want your crazy? I got your crazy. As in, he might throw a phone at you but he would also throw a sword into your stupid ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t pick his battles, he battles and then he battles some more.
Great Expectations: Usually, I expect a ton of arrows to be shot with an unearthly accuracy in my Robin Hood films. Sadly, I do not expect that. I expect Gladiator: The Sequel. I also expect a lot of swords to go into a lot of bodies.
Worth the Wait?: I don’t believe it’s worth the 12:01 wait. It’s worth seeing at 3pm on a Tuesday and then going home and watching Robin Hood Season 1 (BBC version) and swooning at the sight of Richard Armitage.
Shrek: The Final Chapter 3D
There’s already been 3 movies of Shrek. Isn’t that enough? He’s not Bond. He doesn’t deserve a series. Sure, those pop culture references are hilarious, the stories have good messages, and the journey is destination enough, but seriously, I’m kinda done. There’s only so much wink wink I can take.
Geekiness Factor: It involves a fairy tale kingdom, spells, and adventure all in 3D CGI. Alright, so it is geeky…for those who play EverQuest, Final Fantasy, and New Super Mario Bros. Wii. For those who like their geeky with a helping of comic book, it is not.
Screen Steamer: None. There is no Prince Charming as far as I know. Puss in Boots has even lost his mojo. Shrek’s farts do steam up the screen, but not in a way I would like.
Great Expectations: I have none because I thought this series was already over. My expectations are now below zero and descend into the negative. I have heard, much to my dismay, that this film takes place in an alternate reality.
They are basically saying this movie does not matter in the mainstream timeline of Shrek. Life on Mars was bad enough when it ended in a dream, if you want alternate reality go read Age of Apocalypse.
Worth the Wait?: No, it’s not worth the wait, mainly because I wasn’t waiting for it. I already saw plenty of blue 3D goodness in Avatar, I don’t need to pay $15 to see green 3D CGI. I will wait to see this movie when it plays on ABC Family on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I might also rent It’s a Wonderful Life and Avatar and watch both on a Sunday afternoon, thus equaling Shrek Forever After.
Any film in need of a colon and another title, is a movie I cringe at. Any film that also sports a buffed out Jake Gyllenhaal, who spouts lines out of an 80’s adventure movie, and is made by a world-weary Jerry Bruckheimer is also a movie I cringe at. Don’t even get me started on the faux-girl power emitting brunette who is a romance novel damsel in disguise.
Geekiness Factor: If you are a true geek you will not geek out. You will play the Prince of Persia game and save the geeking out for Jonah Hex. The trailer looked like a sandy piece of CGI mess that was left over after Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Curse of the Many Plots ended. Jerry really needs to stop with the colons.
Screen Steamer: It seems Jake Gyllenhaal was on a strict protein diet for many moons. This does not, however, increase his hotness. He’s just trying too damn hard. He should stick to actually acting and leave the Disney channel worthy antics to Brendan Fraser.
Great Expectations: If you’re hoping for re-used dialogue, PG-friendly flirtation, and unending battles with throwaway villains, then this movie has it. If you seek anything more, you will be spitting out the sand that was flung in your face.
Worth the Wait?: This film is not even worth the wait in your Netflix queue. Unless of course you have to baby-sit my 8 and 10 year old niece and nephew. In which case, I would rent Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Ok, so what’s this movie doing here? This does belong with the rest of the geeky and faux-geeky films. Why? Because Sex and the City, the movie, was one of the few times women were seen waiting in lines around the block, dressing up as their favorite characters, and geeking out at the mere sight of Carrie’s Manolo Blahniks.
Geekiness Factor: Manolo Blahniks. Versace. Hermes. These are just some of the words that will bring a certain type of woman to their knees. Mainly, because they might topple after wearing 5 inch heels all day. Women will geek out at everything in this film from Big and Carrie blissfully smooching, to tilts from the shoes up, and to the shocking verbiage Samantha will spew.
Screen Steamer: Mr. Big is getting a little up there in the age category and unlike Clooney, his charm can only go so far. Fortunately, Samantha will shamelessly gather a troupe of cast-offs from Thunder Down Under, so there’s hope for a good amount of male cheesecake.
Great Expectations: I expect 4 women to talk about their relationships while ogling at shoes and men. Pretty much, the summary for 6 seasons of SATC. I expect nothing less and nothing more. Warning to boyfriends- this movie will only cause more confusion to the men who seek to understand the ways of women.
Worth the Wait?: So I wasn’t really waiting for this, and it’s safe to say my taste for cosmos has dried up. However, I will go the week after and hope to God Carrie doesn’t cry for 20 minutes in the middle of the film.
So there you have it, the month of May in a Fandango nutshell. Stay tuned for Geeky Girl’s Guide to Summer Movies: Part 2: They Want Your Money, which will arrive just in time for the sunny month of June. Until then, buy those tickets in advance, play Space Ninja as you wait in heavy anticipation, and spray plenty of Halle, by Halle Berry, on the sweaty fanboys sitting next to you.