So I think my boyfriend and I are a bit of a slump. We’ve been together for a year and things just aren’t what they were. We used to go out every weekend or at least stay over each others’ apartments but now I feel like he’d rather hang out with his friends and play Call of Duty than do anything with me. I really care about him and he tells me that he cares about me but I want to solve this but don’t want to come across as all needy, ya know? – 2ndtoCoD
It’s normal for relationships to wax and wane, but empty professions of strong amorous feelings aren’t enough to propel a relationship forward.
It isn‘t needy to want to spend time with your significant other. Right now he’s not being an available partner – physically or emotionally – which is what relationships are all about.
His actions are speaking louder than words – cliche, yes, but true – and while I’d never suggest giving him an ultimatum, I would absolutely suggest voicing your concerns in a way that he can hear them.
Complaining or nagging someone to get them to change their ways – even though you might not be consciously doing it – can have the opposite effect.
You never want to approach a discussion with a “you” statement. Own your feelings. An “I” statement disarms any defensiveness and encourages dialogue.
If it doesn’t – that’s a problem.
An “I” statement looks like this:
“I feel like you’ve been distant lately, and I really miss spending time with you.”
Instead of this:
“You’ve been spending too much time playing Call of Duty and you only care about your friends. You never have time for me.”
It’s a small change that has an infinitely better delivery and is more prone to facilitate you getting your needs met.
It might behoove you to create a date night. If it’s incorporated into the schedule, you’ll get your time and he’ll still be able to get his COD fix. Win:Win. It accommodates both of your needs.
If things don’t change, ultimately it comes down to whether your feelings for this guy trump your need for quality time and companionship.
Good Luck!
Questions/Comments/Concerns you want addressed in next weeks column? Email me at kelly@theflickcast.com
