Dear ’24′: I Quit You

Dear 24:

When we first met in 2001, you were perfect for me. You were exciting, and dangerous, and knew how to show a lady a good time. But lately, the relationship has lost its luster. I know that this is the natural progression of any relationship, you can’t possibly keep up that same level of intrigue for all these years. After the seven year itch, I settled into a comfort with your familiarity.  I looked forward to spending time with you every Monday night.

But you just had to go and ruin things with all these other women. Rene and Dana ring a bell? Heck, I’ve even got a bone to pick with Chloe this season. I can’t deal with all these other women, and here is why I quit you, mid-episode last Monday, for good. Spoilers abound, so proceed with caution.

Sad/Bad/Mad Rene.  Actually I really like Rene, and I adore Annie Wersching in the role, but there are so many inconsistencies with her character this season, and her spunk has been  replaced with this misguided  self–loathing. Quite frankly, making Rene’s character into such a drag has really been a drag on the show.

I also can’t quite figure out the chronology of Rene’s storyline, which is really not helping the credibility of her story arc. Readers, perhaps you can enlighten me here. Weren’t we told that six years ago Rene went undercover with the Russian gang?  Wouldn’t that make it pre-season 7, in which she was still in uptight prissy mode?  Since President Allison Taylor is still in office, I am assuming this season did not skip forward 10 years because of Presidential term limits.

So, when Rene came into season 7 freshly scrubbed with her moral compass firmly intact, was this post-Russian gang days?  Because that doesn’t make sense, because we have been led to believe that going undercover with them caused her to have permanent emotional scars.  If so, how could she have been so ideological last season?

Was she just fine at that point? If so, what specifically happened last season that caused her to finally unravel?  I know her married boyfriend died, and she had to make some hard decisions, but after being embedded with the brutal Russian guys she should have been able to take these events in stride.

At any rate, she is now a full-blown sociopath now, albeit with some enviable smoky eye makeup (Hey, Annie’s makeup artist, if you read this, please give me a call.)  She is practically ripping hearts out with her bare hands, and I just don’t buy it.

Annoying/Aggravating/Insipid Dana.  Really?  You want me to believe that an ex-felon easily fooled everyone on her application and somehow got hired by the C.T.U?  Even worse, strictly for practical reasons, like needing a job?

If you were an ex-felon, with an assumed identity, who was on the run from an abusive boyfriend, and you just happened to have acquired a freakish knowledge of computer systems, would you really go apply for a high profile top-secret government agency job?  Of course not.

Somehow this idiotic character (who craps her pants  at the mere sound of her ex boyfriend’s voice on the phone, despite being surrounded by an army of people who could ensure her safety if common sense prevailed) has surreptitiously left the computer room at least eight times during a crisis to bark directives to her ex on how to steal some money that is in an evidence lock-up room.  Way to shoulder your responsibilities to the country, bitch.

Does anyone else get the distinct feeling that the writers just threw this lame storyline in at the last minute, because someone hinted that Katee Sockhoff might be interested in the show?  How else to explain this incredibly uninspired dribble?

By the way, nerds, please explain the Katee Sockhoff phenomenon, because I don’t get it.  I never watched Battlestar Galactica, but she was horrible on Nip/Tuck last season, and she is dreadful here.

Supermodel Chloe.  Part of what made Chloe so charming in past seasons is that she was always slightly unkempt, dour and disheveled.  She had that mad genius quality, with a hint of naughty librarian.  It’s natural that her character would have a bit of a makeover, but come on!

Silky smooth flat-ironed hair, cute clothes and a sudden expertise in makeup application make Chloe a dull dweeb.  Is it any coincidence that cute Chloe has been relegated to second class citizen in the computer room? I think not.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. WTF?  That is almost all I need to say.  Remember at the beginning of the season, and you kept hearing rumors that Prinze might be taking over the Jack Bauer role?  Notice how you haven’t heard any more talk of that?  That’s because everyone involved surely realized the error of their ways when Prinze tried to “act” in the first episode.  The oatmeal that I ate for breakfast could convincingly out-act Prinze and kick his ass in one take, I am sure of it.

Jack Bauer, Master of Disguise.  My friend and fellow writer here on the site Bob Starr pointed out some really silly contrivances with Jack, too. Jack is an internationally known ass-kicker, and I would assume that a poster of his mug would be hanging in every evil-doers hideout.

Don’t you think they might have an idea what this American hero looks like?  And yet, when Jack dons some Clark Kent glasses and a questionable German accent, he is all but invisible to the Russian men he is dealing with. These guys need their villain cards revoked, and their eyesight checked, stat.

Zero suspense.  I am not even sure what the real threat is this season. I think I am more frightened of President Omar Hassan’s inexplicably puffy hair than I am about the threat of nuclear weapons reaching our soil. Jack tortured. Yawn. You know he’ll get out of it, he always does.

There is zero tension, and there is nobody I care about anymore. It has become a chore to trudge through this show week after week, so Monday I took it out of the DVR queue.  I don’t know if this will be the final season, but it sure makes me sad to see this show lose its mojo.  You on board with me, or am I way off base?