Marvel’s Heroic Age Avengers & Online Dating: The Perfect Match?

Marvel and Brian Bendis have finally announced the new line-up for the new Avengers book. No, I’m not talking about the new New Avengers book, but the latest, newest, Avengers…grrr arg, you know what I mean. In a year celebrating the “Women of Marvel,” the promo cover is notably lacking a femme fatale. Perhaps, Marvel thinks the mere sight of 5 hunky heroes is enough to keep a woman’s attention. But, Marvel you can not fool me.

These men are totally skrully. On paper, they’re the perfect man- what with their gleaming tights and super-powery goodness, but delve just a month or two into their past and they‘re a hot mess. Talk about baggage, it would take the whole of Stark, errr Avengers Tower to hold the amount of baggage these 5 guys carry.

I feel bad for any lady thrown into the mix and forced to put up with them on a daily basis. Dating one of them, however, would take considerably less effort as any time they have free is minimal. This is actually a good thing- all the fun without the lasers, gamma rays, and missiles firing at you. So, below I’ve lifted snippets from their potential online dating profiles and given a behind-the-masks reality assessment for your viewing pleasure. Go ahead and wink, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thor

Hotness: 6’6” and 640lbs. Yikes, looks like someone needs to call Jenny Craig. Don’t worry, if Costanza can do it, so can he. Strangely, he does carry it well, just don’t let him roll over on you. Splitting his time in between Asgard and the Avengers can be a hell of a commute. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to worry about Asgard anymore. Although, it would have made for a nice country vacay from the city. Ah well, at least he’s only on one team.

Notness: He speaks in Viking vernacular, as in your friends will wonder what Renaissance Faire you found him at. Although he’s not Sentry crazy, Thor does have his moments (cough…warrior‘s madness….cough). At the minimal, he has a split personality. One minute, he’s mister blonde ambition and the next he’s Dr. McDreamy. I guess that’s not really a downside. Give him one glass of mead, however, and he’ll go on and on about the Fire Giants he thwarted and Loki’s countless shenanigans.

Iron Man

Hotness: A billionaire playboy with a few jets, a few buildings, and the hottest gadgets not yet on the market. He frequently dons flashy suits made from Armani threads or gold titanium alloy. Oh, wait that was last month. This month he is the president of Stark Resilient without a cent to his name. Albeit, he still has a stash and a devil may care smile. He also can search yelp.com for places to eat, record 15 shows to his hard drive, and remotely command iron man suits in battle all while listening to the events of your day.

Notness: He’s a complete know-it-all, as in equal parts genius and arrogance. He might be a mastermind in mechanical engineering, but does he know his Shakespeare? No, but he would tell you that he does. Like most superheroes he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder from being captured and tortured, but really that’s par for the course. If you still want to date him, you’ll have to get through his ever-present Girl Friday, Pepper Potts aka Rescue. She’ll deny anything is going on between them, and yet the date you scheduled will accidentally be missing from his iCalendar.

Captain America aka Bucky Barnes

Hotness: Once the kid sidekick of Captain America, he now has taken on the role of his hero by adding some edgy black to the uniform. At 5’9” and 260lbs he is easy on the eyes if you ignore the bionic arm straight out of the Terminator. You think Luke Skywalker would give him a hand. His Avengers only membership, though, means he has time to take you to dinner and a movie. Just don’t ask to watch From Russia With Love, as he won’t know which side to root for.

Notness: Ala wiki, “In 1940, Bucky accidentally walked in on Rogers changing into his uniform, thus discovering his friend was Captain America and insisted that he join him.” Was it really accidental? You be the judge, but since the 1940’s he’s only had one lover of import, the Black Widow. Natasha also happens to be adept at hiding her true nature. True, he was kept in a freezer for much of his adult life, but for an Indian motorcycle riding super spy, his lack of lady friends is curious. Maybe he plays for both sides in more ways than one.

Wolverine

Hotness: He will grunt, growl, and occasionally spout wisdom gleaned from his many years on the planet. If you ever watch Jeopardy with him, he would hold is own in Literature, History, and Potpourri. Sadly, he could only answer movie trivia that related to Clint Eastwood or the Duke. He does have an animal side (grrrr) and a healing factor….hmmm I wonder if he heals fast from everything?

Notness: He needs 3 U-Hauls and 2 of his friend’s pick-ups to carry all his mental baggage. He has nightmares nightly, is kidnapped and brainwashed at least twice a year, and drinks way too much beer. He’s 5’2” to 5’6” depending on who’s drawing him and who he’s standing next to. He’s also hairier than Robin Williams and refuses to wax. The self-described “loner” is on every team imaginable from the X-Men, to the New Avengers, and the Avengers. He also has solo missions in Wolverine: Weapon X and orchestrates a master plan to take down his arch-nemesis, Romulus in his spare time. I advise any applicants to have teleporting abilities to keep up with him and red hair to keep him distracted.

Spider-Man

Hotness: If you list being funny as the number #1 trait that attracts you, you’re in luck. He’s like the kid brother of the group who tags along with the cool kids and adds inappropriate anecdotes during uncomfortable silences. Allegedly, he’s also mister responsible. He’s so responsible that he’ll skip out on a play in which you star to go stop a bank robbery. Didn’t he commit to your plans first? Hmmm, that’s very irresponsible of him to ditch his girlfriend just so he can hang criminals from a lamppost.

Notness: Supposedly he’s this great scientist and inventor. The only thing I’ve ever seen him invent are his own web shooters. If he was as smart as he claims, those web shooters would be hocked for $19.95 plus shipping and handling and available in the Sky Catalog, but sadly they are not. Instead, the wunderkind scientist scrapes to make ends meet by working 2 jobs, as a photographer and pro bono superhero. You can expect a hot dog from a stand and a stroll through Central Park. Just don’t expect a tour of the Brooklyn Bridge.

After reading the online dating profiles of the mighty Avengers, I’ve decided to nix the whole bunch. I would rather fight by their side and gaze at their rippled abs while on an Elliptical at the Avengers gym, then have to put up with their tower of issues encased in a pair of nicely filled out tights. If you disagree, then go ahead and wink. Just make sure to have a back-up plan when your date leaves you to fight a Fire Giant.