The Expendables vs. The Essentials

As summer dies down with explosive fire power and spiritual journeys to other lands, I recall the glorious action fest that was The Expendables. In turns out Julia Roberts has nothing on protein packed men with a mission on their minds. My female counterparts have voiced their love of meaty men in droves and unexpectedly taken away business from Julia’s love fest. Nearly 40 percent of The Expendables‘ audience was women. X-Men Origins: Wolverine‘s audience raked them in as nearly 50 percent of the audience was female. It seems women have tired of the boys akin to Michael Cera and instead jones for something with a little more muscle. Stallone should have learned the key to Hugh Jackman’s success to driving women in throngs- taking off his shirt.

I hear Hugh gave up his lead in Avon Man to start his insane work-out to become the ferocious mutant once again. If you take months upon months to beef up like these 80‘s action legends did, you’d think they’d want to show it off. Plus, wasn’t it super hot in Louisiana and Brazil where The Expendables shot? It was like 100 degrees with 100 percent humidity. Stallone couldn’t have been the only one who was feeling the heat.  Take off those shirts and up your female movie-going audience to 51 percent.

Stallone’s crew obviously wanted to show off their manliness if the huge cardboard poster in the theater filled with a row of the action heroes donning their heavy artillery was anything to go by. There was one person missing in that line-up, however. A woman.

The only women to be seen were damsels who should have carried a taser and some mace.  You’d think in the year 2010 that Charisma Carpenter would’ve taken at least one cardio kick-boxing class and could handle herself.  I mean, she used to help Buffy kill vampires with a crossbow. Although the movie was shot like an 80’s action blood fest there is one distinct difference between the Rambo’s and Die Hard’s and The Expendables. The Expendables was shot in 2009, not in 1989. Thankfully, there are now an abundance of brazen beauties who can fill out a pair of combat boots with the best of them. After a girlfriend of mine heard this complaint, she suggested her own form of revenge.

Write a new script, entitled, The Essentials, and fill it with every female action hero who can make a buck at the multiplex. Why see Julia Roberts eat, pray, and love when you can see Sigourney Weaver kick some ass and take some names? Sigourney should skip the romantic comedies and dive straight first into what she was born to do. But of course, she can’t do it alone.

Angelina Jolie would make a perfect Jason Statham.  The only difference being she’d spend less time moaning about some lame ex-boyfriend.  Speaking of which, her boyfriend would never dump her- he’d be just happy she showed up in the first place.   I’m sure Sigourney’s buddy, Michelle Rodriguez would be more than happy to break from her jail stints to join her crew. Milla Jovovich wouldn’t be bad to add either. She can take out dobermans with ease and doesn’t look half bad in a mini. Add to that Doomsday’s and Underworld’s Rhona Mitra, Jessica Alba who brings comic book geeky cred, and Jennifer Garner who proved she can spy hard, and you got yourself one feisty team.

Unlike The Expendables, these babes have a brain. They wouldn’t just got to some foreign land on a mission to save one girl and kill 100’s of men without at least a few mil in their pockets and a personal jet. Where Stallone and Jason Statham failed at rescuing her the first time, they would succeed.  After rushing her to safety, they would teach her how to defend herself. Unlike Stallone, they would return her to her homeland with a plan. There would still be tons of explosions, but they wouldn’t be the only weapon in their arsenal.

Did I mention these are some hot ladies with enough teched-out ninja know-how to bust through an operation without the guys even realizing they were being taken? Think Burn Notice meets Alias, times hundred. After taking down the drug trade with stealth instead of heavy artillery, they would use the drug money to fund schools and micro-business loans. With enough money to continue their heroes for hire trade they would offer The Expendables the opportunity to be their sidekicks on the next film. The Expendables vs. The Essentials…now that’s a movie I would pay to see.

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