Buffy Swan Refuses to Suck

As I was watching the new Eclipse trailer, out of sheer boredom and a hint of curiosity, I found myself wondering why in the world two super-powered boys would fight it out over a girl clad in American Apparel who’s a hell of a downer.

How is there an entire film series devoted to one girl’s delusional obsessions of a fairy tale ending with a born-again killer? Sparkely vampires want to kill you, strapping werewolf shape-shifters want to keep you safe.

Do these Edward fans have a death wish and a yearning for abandonment? Is Bella Swan so heavily marketed as mesmerizing that it erases the history of the brazen blonde that came before her?

A long time ago, otherwise known as the 90’s, there was a series called Buffy the Vampire Slayer where a feisty girl from the southland slayed Urban Outfitted demons. This legendary show paved the way for multi-tasking girls who cheer by day, slay by night, and every once in a while hook-up with a tormented blood sucker.

Ironically, a woman writer crafted Bella to be a weak, whiney girl while a man, Joss Whedon, created Buffy to be a strong, focused woman not to be messed with. So as the Eclipse trailer faded, I wondered, what if Buffy took the place of Bella?

At the beginning of the film New Moon, Bella is dumped by Edward and barely says a word. Let’s start there. At the very least, Buffy would question why Edward was leaving and point out he has a bird‘s nest in his hair.

After some heated discussion and a bit of PG-13 worthy between the sheets action, she says adios. Instead of sitting in the same Lazy-boy recliner for seasons on end, drained like a bottle of Jack on a Saturday night, Buffy Swan goes to school, hangs with friends, works-out, and trolls the happening streets of Forks for deadly vampires preying on young girls and boat owners.

When confronted by a Bob Marley lovin’ vamp she pulls out her stake and fights for her life beside her hunky and hairy BFF. Granted her stake wouldn’t do too much good, but knowing her, she’d have Willow whip up a potion that would do the trick.

The discovery that Jacob has a wolf demon of sorts inside of him causes some major conflicts for the demon-killing Buffy Swan. She begrudgingly lets him live under the reasoning that the enemy of my enemy is my friend and heavy distraction by his bronzed, ripped hotness . The next night, Buffy and her new sidekick Jacob dispatch vampy Victoria during her routine patrol.

No slouch in the homework department, Giles provides her with research that the snobby Volturi vamps still exist and have been feeding off innocent, oblivious humans for centuries. Incensed and blinded to anything but the mission of saving the world, Buffy gathers her troops, including the wolf pack, and heads to the Volturi’s secret Vatican headquarters.

While focusing on a detailed briefing by Giles on her Virgin Atlantic flight, Buffy misses the drunk dial from Edward. Unemployed and friendless, the mentally unbalanced Edward decides it’s a perfect time for a roman holiday and books a flight. As Buffy was already well on her way there, she arrives with minutes to spare.

On colliding coincidentally with Edward, Buffy throws a shirt on him and loudly says (so onlookers can hear) that the Gay Pride parade isn’t until next week. The bystanders merely glance and go back to munching on their biscotti. Edward tries to persuade her not to go through with it, but Buffy, with an eye of the tiger, goes ahead undeterred.

She and her team veer the humans from their direct line into the Volturi’s den of death. Disguised as hapless tourists, the Scooby Squad meander in and fake a photo-op. As the vampires descend, they unleash their blow torches, wolf forms, magic dust, grenades, and crossbows and an epic battle ensues.

After minutes of edge-of-your-seat, 300-esque action, Buffy and her Scooby Squad exit as victors. Sure, there might be one or two werewolves dead, but they were demons anyways (according to Buffy). All in all the world would be saved and human tourists would live to stand in another hours-long line to catch a glimpse of Mona Lisa’s smile.

Outside the Vatican, Buffy finds a hidden Edward lurking in the shadows and they share a heated kiss. Buffy then breaks it off with Edward, realizing their relationship would never work. Buffy travels back to foggy Forks in first class style a little misty-eyed, but hell bent on ridding the world of evil.

Unlike the faux-feminist, weepy Bella Swan, Buffy Summers is truly an independent, career-minded woman who has a well-rounded life. Just because one part of Buffy’s life falls apart, doesn’t mean it’s the end of her world.

I recommend the mini-van driving moms lusting over Edward rent a few DVDs of Buffy for their suicidal teenage daughters if only to save money on Ambien and guarantee a high school diploma. Although, a truly devoted teenage girl would probably skip college altogether in favor of spending their days in a lazy-boy dreaming of lush meadows.

Hmmm, college sure is expensive these days… maybe Stephenie Meyer is just a recessionista at heart.