Review: 'Clash of the Titans'

Review: ‘Clash of the Titans’

The original Clash of the Titans (1981) was cheesy and offered substandard special effects, but it had a certain inherent charm, making it almost irresistible on cable television. I can’t recall a time when I stumbled across the movie and changed the channel. It’s an iconic fantasy film, and embraced for its intentions, despite the fact it failed at many of those intensions. At least it meant well.

Clash of the Titans (2010) is going to become the whipping boy for the anti-3D conversion crowd, with good reason. This is the second major release (after Alice in Wonderland) that has been converted to 3D post production, and the 3D is truly awful. There was absolutely no reason for this movie to be 3D, aside from trying to squeeze some extra money out of gullible ticket purchasers.

I can’t believe people are actually going to shell out an extra 5 bucks for an “enhancement” that is distracting, annoying and intolerable. Characters are out of focus,with tracers dancing about them. The 3D would detract from even the best of films, but this movie doesn’t even merit a “mediocre.” It’s crap, with a cherry on top, only that cherry is rotten and renders the whole mess unpalatable. What a disappointment.

To the best of my knowledge, here is the secret formula that brought about Clash of the Titans (2010):

Take Clash of the Titans (1981.) Make sure to remove any charm, fun, wonder or joy. Replace these elements with crappy dialogue, laughable acting and antiquated set pieces. Consult the costume designers from Flash Gordon. Consult the hair stylists from Battlesfield Earth. Have your six year-old nephew convert the film to 3D. There you go, box office gold!

Really, I don’ t like being flippant about a movie, but I just don’t know what to say this time, I was so shocked.

I know a lot of people are going to say that the source material was not that good (it’s not), but isn’t that all the more reason to elevate the material? This movie is coming out almost 30 years after the original, yet it looks just as bad, and just as cheesy. Why bother?

For the uninformed, Clash of the Titans is the tale of a half god/half mortal being named Perseus(Sam Worthington.) Perseus must fight with humans against the gods Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon when humans start a war with the deities. During his adventures, Perseus meets up with Medusa and the Kraken sea-creature, and tries to keep Princess Andromeda from becoming a sacrifice to the Kraken.

Perseus is joined by a band of mortals who support his cause, and he is flanked by the beautiful Io (Gemma Arterton.) A talented cast including Liam Neeson (Zeus) and Ralph Fiennes (Hades) are relegated to terse whisperings, and are tragically underutilized.

The nicest thing I can say about the movie is that the creatures looked cool.  Pegasus, Medusa, and the Kraken were impressive, and looked realistic.

There is no fun to be had here, and I kept wondering the whole time, why? A movie shouldn’t be a chore to sit through. Next time leave well enough alone.

If you are still convinced you want to see the movie, seek out a 2-D and thank me later.