Movie Review: ‘Hit and Run’

Dax Shepard: Okay, I’m writing this vehicle — hmm, vehicle — what do you want to be?

Kristen Bell: I’ve always wanted to work in conflict negotiation, or something with horses.

DS: Perfect! I’m playing a badass driver/action hero with a heart of gold and a great left hook. you can always be arguing with me over violence.

KB: Well, I don’t want to be too stuffy.

DS: No, the twist is that you’ll be the aggressive one, like we’ll have one scene where I say something that offends you and you get really mad at me. And I’ll always be doing what you want.

KB: Ha!

DS: And I’ll be in the witness protection program, so I can call myself somebody cool.

KB: Nathan Fillion!

DS: No, I want to go old school.

KB: Clint Eastwood!

DS: Ehh, someone more obscure. Like Charles Bronson! Yeah, and my real name is Yul!

KB: But you haven’t had a haircut or shave in…ever?

DS: That can be the joke!

KB: Okay…Oh, can we get Gary Oldman to be somebody? I love him.

DS: Yeah! You ever see True Romance? He can play the pimp guy with the dredlocks from that!  And we can both be on the run, too!

KB: Uh, I think he died in the movie. He might be too old to reprise that anyway. Oh! Oh! How about Bradley Cooper? He can play anything!

DS: Sure! And I want Kristin Chenoweth as a sassy, sex-obsessed character. Like she’ll be getting a massage and ask the handler…

KB: It’s called a “masseur,” honey.

DS: Whatever. Anyway, she’ll be getting one and then ask the guy if that’s it, because she’s so horny.

KB: Do you know anything about women?

DS: And Tom Arnold can be the bumbling Marshal who’s assigned to protect me. And David Koechner can be a redneck who hits on you! And somewhere in there we need to have some old people having sex.

KB: Is there something you’re not telling me?

DS: Ooo! And dogs! I want to have someone beat up a black guy for mistreating a dog!

KB: Uh, honey?

DS: AND I’LL HAVE SEX WITH A BLACK CHICK! I WILL BURN OUT IN SLOW MOTION TO “SWEET EMOTION” AND KILL YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND! I AM CTHULU! HEAR MY CALL AND TREMBLE!

KB: Let’s lose the Cthulu and get Beau Bridges.

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