I had a soft spot for 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and I have a soft spot for this, even with its flaws. If you remember the end of the last film (and never mind if you didn’t), Zartan is impersonating the President of the United States in one step of Cobra Commander’s grand plan for world domination.

I think this is supposed to take place right after the last film, but no matter. All you need to know is that the President is not the real President, and the Joes are not aware of it. They’re busy raiding a nuclear arms facility in Pakistan — a mission devised by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo/Jonathan Pryce) to wipe out the Joes when they call for transport after the mission.

All of them, save for Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), Roadblock (The Rock), and Flint (D.J. Cotrona) are killed. Fortunately Snake Eyes (Ray Park) is away on another mission training with Jinx (Elodie Yung) and quite possibly the worst actor in the entire film, RZA as the aptly named Blind Master.

I’m not going to be the only critic to describe this as Sex and the City Lite and certainly not the only one to say Monte Carlo is a vapid, humorless, moronic, laughably imbecilic piece of little-girl-fantasy trash. I may not even be the only person to yell out unsolicited but desperately needed advice such as, “Button your goddamn shirt!” or “Do any of these people know what the word ‘statutory’ means?” But I probably will be the only one to say that anyone who likes this movie is an idiot.

The premise is your standard Prince and the Pauper—or at least half of it—high-school graduate Grace (Disney Laboratories’ Latest Release, perhaps best known for role in The Wizards of Waverly Place), her…uh…stepsister? (I don’t think the relationship is ever made explicit) Meg (Leighton Meester), and best friend Emma (Katie Cassidy) take their dream trip to Paris.

The trip ends up being all kinds of stink until Grace is mistaken for heiress Cordelia (also Gomez). That takes them from the dirty hovel where they’re staying to a plush suite complete with a view of the Eiffel Tower (but then, what movie set in Paris isn’t?).

They decide to go with the rouse, which takes them to Monte Carlo (Monte Carlo) where Grace meets up with her obligatory love interest Theo (French actor Pierre Boulanger), Meg meets up with hers (Home and Away’s Luke Bracey, wearing the unbuttonedingest goddamn shirt in Christendom), and Emma pines for her would-be fiancée Owen (Glee’s Cory Monteith), who, bless him, decides to travel to Europe to find her.